Member Profiles
Dr. James Benedick
A bypass op, just as chemo, was on my list of the last things I would ever want or get in my life. But it happened so fast. Not really. I had a "feeling" in my throat/chest area when I walked, almost breathlessness but not really. When I jogged it began to show itself as not being able to catch my breath. In March, my heart began skipping beats and continued for about a week. Being my own doctor, I quit everything I thought could be causing/linked to it; vitamins, caffeine, alcohol, nuts, (Vioxx, which I had been taking for three years), and it stopped. I also ordered Inderal over the net (being my own amateur doctor). Eventually, I gradually quit everything, from jogging to walking to impulsively going to the store (I'd talk myself out of it). Then, I stopped doing work around the house, and didn't really notice it but I was spending a lot of time just resting. Then, as clients and others spoke to me about death, illness, etc, I began associating what they were saying to me. All of my family and friends had told me to get a check up. But I still lifted weights and didn't get any symptoms with that so rationalized it might be an allergy or something. But then I began having strange, vivid, good dreams, almost about anything, and began feeling like I was at the end of my life. Finally, September 26, a Friday, I awoke at 4 AM, after reading an article in Men's Health the previous night entitled something like, "You Will Have a Heart Attack." I think I had a dream about my deceased mother and I awoke with my heart skipping a beat and an ache. So, I contemplated for about an hour, decided that I didn't want to be one of those guys whose wife found him the next morning, woke her up and went to the ER. There, they tested me and told me I was fine and had not had a heart attack. I agreed and was relieved because, basically, I felt okay and thought I was causing anxiety for myself. That day and Saturday I worked out with weights, (I had also been "rehabing" a chronic shoulder muscle strain that I had!
for about 10 years) mowed the lawn and washed the car Sunday, worked Monday and stopped
off at my doctor's on Tuesday. When I saw him he had a conniption fit and told
me to get to the ER immediately and that I had a recent heart attack. That
scared the hell out of me and I settled my affairs for the day and got to the
ER. I was admitted to the cardiac unit directly. Over the next few days I began
feeling I was going to die even though they had not found anything definitive,
and that I would never get out of the hospital. Wednesday I had a stress test
and thought I did well on it. My cardiologist told me that it looked good and if
he didn't find anything abnormal I would be out of there that night. So, I was
making plans for dinner when the lab tech came to draw blood for my angiogram
the next day. My emotions were on a roller coaster. The next day they found at
least five blockages and scheduled surgery for the next day. Friday, they
performed the surgery. Interestingly, the whole experience turned out very
positive, except for the sores which I got from the electrode attachments of the
heart monitor and EKG, and the fact that I became nauseous, depressed, and lost
my appetite.
I had a private room, which I wouldn't have gotten with insurance...they all pay
for semi-private rooms (I guess they figure, "Hey, he's a private pay. As long
as he isn't paying we might as well give him a private room"). All the nurses
and staff were very caring and sensitive and treated me with respect, except the
ICU nurse, who held my life in her hands (but I adjusted), and I lost my fear of
dying and was able to accept that it might happen, since I had been expecting
it. I also had a peak moment when I felt connected to my caregivers and the love
in the Universe, all of which has stayed with me and has helped me to determine
to be more available to those with whom I work (I'm going to work to maintain
that attitude).
So, now, it's 4 weeks since the surgery and I feel like a new person (except for
the pain and numbness. I do have to learn how to breathe again and my personal
relationships are humming. I have an older son with whom we have been able to
drop our emotional barriers and my Dad told me for the first time that he loved
me. He said, "I thought you knew that" (old school) and I have many, many
friends offer me prayers, blessings, and services (but no money, yet). The
doctors tell me that my chest will be back together in about 2-3 months and that
I can resume driving in about 6 weeks. I have felt good and have had to learn
how "NOT" to do anything requiring the use of my chest. Did you know that just
about everything we do requires the use of our chest? Oh, well. But, I still
feel like a new person and am looking forward to achieving the best health and
fitness of my life with renewed motivation. Also, I'm not afraid to die, when
that occurs.
Because I'm a psychotherapist in private practice I returned to work a week and
a half following the surgery, which has worked. My recommendation, though, is
avoid this experience at all costs! Get an EKG, or get a new EKG, just to check,
and/or get a stress test. Learn from my lesson.
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